I used to be terrified of change - even the slightest bit. When I was a youngster, even if my toy horse collection got out of order because my pesky younger siblings would move them, I would feel anxiety and have to put them back to the way they were. Some may call this OCD, but I think I was just not comfortable with changing the way that I did things. I eventually grew out of being so concerned with little things as I got a little older, but when it came to bigger issues in my life, such as having to step out of my comfort zone and make friends at the many new schools I had to attend, I would feel so much stress that I would sometimes shut down. I think this is because I didn't have enough confidence in myself to face the changes and conquer them. This happened a lot when I faced some sort of loss or rejection - either from a breakup, a friend moving away, a death in the family, or even from not getting the grade I wanted in school. I got so used to my "routine" of being in a relationship or always getting the grade I wanted or always hanging out with certain friends on certain days, that I crumbled inside when I was faced with the breaking of my "routines". This pattern went on for years until actually recently. About a month ago, I got so broken down after a certain rejection that I literally stayed down - I didn't get out of bed for a few days because I felt defeated by the change. I was done. KO'd. I had finally gotten used to a certain routine that I put my heart and soul into maintaining and it suddenly changed. I was NOT okay - or so I thought. When I finally sat up in bed on the third day, I just cried out to God, asking Him to help me deal with this change that was out of my control of fixing and boy did He respond quickly. Immediately, I felt peace in my heart and my weak body (I didn't eat during that time in bed) was strengthened. Times like those are proof to me that God is there, listens to you, and cares about you. I picked up my journal and started writing about what I was feeling. I also picked up my Bible and it was suddenly filled with key verses about change and trusting in God - exactly what I needed to read. From that point on, I woke up every morning and took on a new, HEALTHY "routine" of reading my Bible and writing in my journal. I learned to cope with the negative changes that were going on around me and started changing for the better internally. I felt like I had finally discovered who I really was underneath all that anxiety and fear of the unknown. Once I started putting my trust in God, the One Who won't ever let me down, I was able to forgive and accept those who did let me down in this life. Change is inevitable. It is not always bad, but when it is, there is Someone you can rely on to help you cope with it. And there is always a silver lining. Keep on walking and looking up and you'll find it.
"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen."
--Reinhold Niebuhr
